The Ache of Uncertainty
We all have dreams, goals, things we aspire to achieve. I know I certainly do.
Some are short-term: to get that promotion, save money, hit the things on my 2024 bucket list. But others are long-term: get married, have a family, settle down somewhere I don’t have to worry about hurricanes and can enjoy the seasons I grew up with.
When a short-term goal doesn’t pan out, it’s unfortunate, but we tend to move on pretty quickly. There’s always next year to hit those bucket list items; more jobs to pursue; more money to save.
But when a long-term goal doesn’t come to fruition, boy does it hurt a lot more. These things aren’t able to be forgotten about after a few days—they can’t be made up as time passes. And I think the reason they hurt so much is two-fold.
First, they take a lot longer to achieve. If you want to get married, there’s a good chunk of time you have to spend single. Then if you meet someone and they just happen to be a good fit, you spend more time dating and getting to know each other. Then there’s the engagement period. And finally—if all those other things fall into place and continue to advance—you get married. And the goal is met! But along the way there are breakups, wounds, broken engagements, fights, droughts, and a lot of hurt.
Which brings me to my second point. Even if these long-term goals do eventually pan out, there are a lot of moments along the way where it appears they won’t, and that can be devastating.
These long-term dreams make up a part of us. They tell the story of our soul and what we value most in this life. And even though they’re not equal to the eternal glory of Heaven, we know they can help us get there. They make up the chief desires of the human soul: to feel joy, to be loved, to feel safe.
As imperfect human beings, we can’t see the whole plan; we have no idea how our life will turn out, how much time we have on Earth, and how God wants to use us in His Divine Plan.
And the devil knows this. So he teases us with our dreams.
“How could anyone love you? You’re not marriage material. Surely your boyfriend will break up with you eventually.”
“You think you’re talented? Please, they’re just buying their time until they can replace you with someone else. You know you’re not worthy of that promotion.”
“You’ve already been rejected by one convent, what makes you think you’ll get into this one? You’re not holy enough to be a consecrated virgin.”
“You’ll never be able to afford a house, give it a rest. You can’t fit any kids in this small apartment, do you want them to know how much you’re failing to provide for them? You’d be a bad mom anyways.”
“You think you can be free of addiction? You aren’t capable of change. This is who you are and who you’ll always be: sinful.”
The devil targets our dreams because he knows they are good. He discredits our desires because he knows we can’t prove him wrong at the moment of attack. We can’t see the whole picture, and he uses this lack of knowledge as a weapon against us, our relationships with others, and our relationship with God.
So, how do we defend ourselves? What kind of armor do we use against the soul-crushing assaults of our deepest desires?
The answer I’ve found over years of suffering, over-thinking, and crying out for help is this: maybe we don’t need to fully protect ourselves.
Maybe the answer isn’t to be impenetrable, but to accept every blow as resilience for our soul. To dive into the uncertainty and cling to the One who knows what we don’t.
“Surely your boyfriend will break up with you eventually.”
Jesus, I trust in Your Will. Take care of everything.
“You know you’re not worthy of that promotion.”
Lord, reveal where you need me. Help me to serve those you’ve gifted me with.
“You’re not holy enough to be a consecrated virgin.”
Dear Father, show me the path forward as You will. Unite this suffering with Yours on the cross.
“You’d be a bad mom anyways.”
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Show me how to be a mother worthy of any children God may give me.
“This is who you are and who you’ll always be: sinful.”
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, help me to remain close to you this day. Help me to fight off temptation today.
This life is not easy—not by a long shot. Just when we think we have everything together, something else falls apart, because we’re human. We make mistakes, we have doubts, we are not divine and cannot expect to have the knowledge of Someone who is.
But this ache of uncertainty is just that: an ache. An ache that can bring us closer to Our Lord on the cross and to the Eternal Gates through redemptive suffering. And just as an ache comes and goes, so too will this be resolved and lifted away from us.
So next time the devil tries to attack the dreams you hold so close to your heart, take that blow, turn away, and lay your wounded heart at the feet of Our Lord. He’ll take your poor, tired, wounded heart, and transform it into a chariot that will guide you into His heavenly embrace.
And until that day comes, continue to hold these dreams and desires close to your heart, because they are good and you are worthy of them. And as you pray and cry and ache for these uncertain parts of your life, end each thought with a sign of surrender to Our Most Heavenly Father: “Thy will be done.”