I Want to Be Loved…

One of the biggest misconceptions I had during the darkest years of my sexual addiction was that my sin was born of some disgusting, twisted desire I had to keep suppressed and hidden within my heart. 

Not only did this keep me in isolation, but it also nurtured unhealthy self-loathing that made my recovery journey that much harder. It wasn’t until I joined a Magdala group that I learned the root of sin is often something good, and it’s just our distorted humanity that makes us act in a way that fails to glorify God. 

In other words, our sin is nothing more than a distortion of a good desire. 

What does this mean for us practically? Well first of all, it means that your and my dependence on sexual sin is most likely born out of a desire for something beautiful… something so good and so holy we don’t dare try to claim it ourselves. 

For me, it always comes back to love. What I remember fiercely about the times I struggled most with pornography is not the shame or guilt, but how completely consumed I was by my desire to feel loved. I remember feeling so desperate I would do anything to feel even a spark of affection—well, anything but turning to my Father in Heaven. 

If you feel the same, I want you to be gentle in this moment, look yourself in the eyes, and know that there is nothing wrong with desiring to feel loved. It’s not embarrassing or shameful or weak. In fact, our desire for love is what unites us, and it’s the way God fulfills our hearts: by pouring out His love for us unconditionally. 

So, if we know our sexual sin is often a band-aid covering a wounded cry for love, we have to learn what actually makes us feel loved practically. Then, maybe, next time we feel the pain of that wound, we can engage in something life-bringing instead of our normal faulted escape. 

For me, figuring out my love language was extremely helpful on my journey to recovery. After I understood what made me feel loved (and unloved), the Lord revealed more and more the reasons for my habitual sin, and over time, helped me catch myself before I fell. 

For example, my love language is words of affirmation, so things like innuendos and sexual references affect me more than other people. In the same way, I always felt especially bad about myself (and more prone to sin) after I'd been insulted or torn down with words. 

Once I understood this, I could more effectively avoid triggers and lean into life-giving words from those I love in times of temptation. I've learned to monitor the type of music and books I consume—since they can be more triggering to me—and I've discovered that sacred writing and repeating/journaling holy song lyrics helps me when I'm struggling. 

One of the sliest tricks the devil throws at us within sexual sin and addiction is confusion. How many times have you cried out "Lord, why is this happening to me?" For me, the thought of my sin was something I didn't want to touch with a 10-foot pole, let alone examine. I didn't understand why I was addicted, and I got frustrated with God and gave up trying. 

But by allowing myself to look at the wounds in my heart and giving them to the Father, I slowly created a space to let Him love me again. I was able—with my Magdala group—to understand why my wounds were leading me to sin and how to avoid my triggers. 

Above all, I learned how to love and let others love me, which deepened my relationships with my friends, family, and the Lord.

Understanding your love language is not some cure-all or magic strategy to ending your dependency on sexual sin. However, by examining your language of love, you can begin to let Jesus speak it to you, while loving those around you in a deeper way. 

My sisters in Christ, let's allow God to romance us, to heal our hearts, and speak His love into our lives in a way no one else can.

We're in this together! Share how God speaks your love language in the comments below.