Annie’s Story | Magdala Testimony

I’ve always had this insane desire for excellence.

From a young age, I always wanted to do things well and to the best of my ability. I wanted to be the best softball player, the best singer, the best friend. If I was going to do something, I was going to go all in and be good at it, otherwise it was not worth my time.

In sixth grade, the boys wouldn’t let me play basketball with them at recess. I convinced myself that it was because I didn’t appear physically strong enough to be able to compete. In my little sixth grade mind I decided that, if I had defined abs, the boys would acknowledge my athletic greatness.

What developed in the years to follow was multiple diagnosed eating disorders. For my middle school years I went through seasons of long fasts, random diets of only “clean” foods, and excessive workouts. I remember nights of having a small serving of broccoli for dinner or two hour ab workouts.

By the end of eighth grade I was on a visit to the hospital because I was so thin, and passed out after coming off another long fast. It was shortly after my body began backlashing because it physically couldn’t function at that size. Binge eating disorder developed and by my freshman year of high school I was quickly weight-restored. 

Overlapping with puberty, I was gaining weight back in places that other people found desirable and, considering I found myself even more disgusting due to the weight, I used that desire to my advantage. I began sending nudes and entering into physical relationships with boys, just because I wanted to be wanted. 

By sophomore year, my longing for excellence kicked in, and I wanted to be even more desirable, which led me to pornography. I fell deep into porn hoping the momentary pleasure of masturbating to these artificial scenes would help me escape the self-hate I felt.

After a while, I got so deep into this digital hole that straight porn wasn’t doing it for me anymore. After switching to lesbian porn and finding slight comfort in what appeared safer and gentler, I came back junior year and began experiencing attraction for a girl in my band. What followed was a three year romantic relationship with a woman, promise rings, emotional abuse, my own infidelity, and much more self-hatred.

By senior year of high school, my desire for excellence had allowed me to reach the top of the social pyramid. I was my class valedictorian, captain of the volleyball and softball teams, president of multiple clubs/honor societies, lead in the musical, well-desired by the men at my school, and the highest level scholarship for a college I was going to be playing not one, but two collegiate sports at. I had hit the high school jackpot.

And yet, I still felt empty.

I went into college still struggling with all the same things, now just with an even deeper identity crisis. I was back to being the newbie freshmen who had to prove herself worthy of being a starter. I was the nutrition major still forcing herself to throw up. I was the porn addict who hid in the back row of Mass on Sunday.

Being raised Catholic, I always felt at home in the Church, even when I was mad at it. Though I disagreed with much of Church teaching at the time and was definitely not in a state of grace, the familiarity of the liturgy kept me going to Mass. It was this sense of belonging that influenced me to say yes to a random parish mission trip the summer after my freshman year of college.

I was asked to lead a time of prayer on the last night of the trip with an activity called “Tap Backs”. Sitting in a circle with their eyes closed, prompts were given to participants such as “tap the back of someone who makes you laugh,” or “tap the back of someone who is courageous.” Even though I had led that activity multiple times before, I had never witnessed a love more powerful than I did in that room. Several people came up to me after saying, “Annie, you did that.” And hey, I thought pretty highly of myself but I knew what happened in that room was by a love so great it had to be a Person.

I made my way to the upper room chapel and the Holy Spirit literally pushed me to my knees as I surrendered my life over to the Lord. I had no idea what that even meant, I just knew Jesus was real, what He did on the cross was real, and that He was deserving of my life.

Years followed of heartbreak, 

relapse, 

healing, 

hurt, 

recovery, 

struggle, 

mercy, 

losing friends, 

losing influence, 

finding purpose, 

and finding myself. 

What I could express in a novel I will summarize in a sentence: 

Everything the enemy meant for destruction, the Lord uses for redemption. 

A seven-year struggle with multiple diagnosed eating disorders: I now have a masters in nutrition, am a registered dietitian, and am clinically trained to walk with people through healing their body and their relationship with food. 

A three-year pornography addiction: I now help run a ministry for women who struggle with porn and sexual addiction. 

Years of infidelity and sexual brokenness while dating both men and women: I have walked with hundreds of young women through similar stories.

While the Lord has healed me from so much, it’s only the beginning of my healing journey. I have a lifetime of healing ahead of me. The promise Jesus has placed over my life is one of resurrection. 

I have healed, I am healing, and I will heal. 

I have risen, I am rising, and I will rise. 

And PS: I still desire excellence, but these days I just call it Heaven.