Hope, Healing, and Honesty in Friendships
My friendships are easily one of the best parts of my life.
I remember when I was a kid, I longed to have a best friend. A best friend was someone to talk to when life got hard; to share exciting news with; to protect as much as she would protect me.
After my Confirmation retreat, God blessed me with a group of wonderful women I was overjoyed to call friends. Through our time at the parish youth group, I was desperate to hold on to them. They wanted me to be their friend because they thought I was funny and kind, and I wanted to pursue lifelong friendships with them for the same reasons.
But throughout those friendships, there was always the voice in the back of my mind telling me I was unworthy of them because of my addiction to pornographic literature.
They’ll think you are sick and disgusting.
They won’t understand because you are the only one going through this.
They won’t love you when they find out.
It was a fight with myself every day I spent with those women. I felt I didn’t deserve their love or respect because of what I did and continued to do. The shame stayed with me and spoke volumes—I believed my heart was dark and should be hidden.
Even though I was never truly alone within those friendships, concealing my struggles from them was the most lonely I had ever felt.
Eventually, I told a mentor at youth group. Putting it to words directed at someone other than a priest was painful and embarrassing. My eyes filled with tears and I shook with hiccuping breaths, but after the words were out, I received an immense amount of love and support from her. She thanked me for sharing, and assured me the Lord was proud of me for bringing it to light.
The darkness didn’t seem as deep after that moment.
I recognized that I was able to be loved by others, and the relief it provided was tangible.
It cracked open something in me that desired lasting recovery, and gave me a bit of hope to start my journey.
Hope fanned a flame in my heart and I began an earnest halt to my addiction. I wanted to be a better woman for my friends because they deserved all of me, not just the parts I felt comfortable sharing.
Weeks later, I told my best friend on a swingset on the parish school playground. As my hands white-knuckled the chain, I confessed I was worried about telling people because I didn’t want them to know how disgusting I was. Through my nerves I can’t remember her exact words, but I remember her telling me that my struggle changed nothing about our friendship, and I was not even close to disgusting.
She said she was thankful I trusted her enough to confide in her.
More hope to fuel the healing in my heart.
The darkness became light, and my heart lost some of its shackles.
While I didn’t find deeper freedom until college, sharing my journey with a few select people in high school helped me begin to understand how immensely loved I am. It was through the love of my friends that I saw the love the Lord has for me in a new light.
I was not loved for the bits and pieces that were acceptable—I was loved for all of me.
While at college, I shared my life story with a group of incredible women. These women and I were to be on a leadership team together, and we were encouraged to be as honest as we wanted to form team trust. In the moment, I felt called to share my addiction and where I was in my recovery journey.
One of those women turned out to be the moderator for a Magdala group on campus.
She told me I inspired her with how open and transparent I was, and invited me to join Magdala. There was profound healing in speaking about my addiction with people I could trust. I was overwhelmed with how my friendships grew stronger because of this honesty, both in and out of group.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church recognizes this as well:
“The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends.” —CCC 2347
Being honest in my recovery journey has allowed me to enter deeply into friendships with both the women in my life and Christ Himself. This gift of chastity helps me understand the Lord’s kindness, and encourages me to emulate it within my close relationships through moments of struggle, strife, and happiness.
It is a continual relief to give my full self to my friends, to share my heart without anything to hide.
Through inviting them into my healing journey, I am beyond blessed with the love and support I have received. The bud of hope that bloomed from honesty has transformed into healing, and I pray I continue to grow through it to become the woman God is calling me to be.