Changing The World

“Lust did not attack you because you cannot love. Lust attacked you because your love is meant to change the world.”

When I read this in Rachael’s book, I started sobbing. It spoke to so much of what I’ve felt regarding sexual sin, but could never articulate. 

I wondered why lust was the thing I struggled with. I wasn’t exposed to pornography at a young age. I grew up in a loving Catholic family, went to Catholic school kindergarten through college, and went to church every Sunday. During my first year at college, I didn’t party or sleep around like some of my friends did. But suddenly at 19 while watching YouTube, one click led to another, and I saw pornography for the first time. 

I knew it was wrong, but even so, that one glimpse turned into a two-year addiction. 

I remember wondering why I was doing this—I was so upset with myself. I was in nursing school at the time which was very stressful, and dealing with anxiety and depression I didn’t want to face. Porn became my coping. 

Somehow though, during my senior year of college, I stopped watching cold turkey. I remember being scared by what I was watching. 

If only that was where it stopped. 

After those two years, I would look in a mirror and tell myself I was damaged, not worthy of a man’s love. I assured myself I was worthless for years. However, through deepening my faith, healing experiences on retreat, and finally getting treatment for anxiety and depression, I felt I was on the path to restoring my self-image. 

Enter March 2020: COVID. 

Being a healthcare provider during the pandemic meant changing how we did things overnight. This mainly involved isolation. 

One evening, I found myself scrolling on my phone where, one click led to another, I was watching porn. 

All those feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, and being unlovable came back. I continued to feel rejected by men and I could take these feelings to porn. I tried multiple programs, software, etc. Nothing ever worked. 

In the fall of 2022, I heard about Magdala through a podcast and decided to sign up for a group. My goals to stop watching porn and masturbating did not seem attainable—I thought it would be like everything else I had tried.

Thankfully, I was wrong. 

I felt hope for the first time after meeting my group. There were women out there with my same struggle! 

It was so comforting to know I wasn’t alone. Through the different sessions on desire, woundedness, identity, and others I learned more about why I did what I did. Through prayer I discerned I needed more help, and started seeing a certified sexual addiction therapist. 

Magdala and this therapist helped me start healing for the first time in four years.

In the second-to-last session of the Magdala curriculum, you write a letter forgiving yourself. It was extremely powerful writing to my 19-year-old self. 

To forgive myself for that first click. 

To realize I had the capacity for love all along. 

Right at the end of my Magdala group I started dating my boyfriend, and I wouldn’t be in a healthy relationship with him today if it wasn’t for Magdala. And that is just one of many ways my world has changed by Rachael, Annie, Paige, Andrea, and so many others sharing their story. 

I’m coming up on a year of sobriety, which I never thought was possible. I thought lust was always going to control my life, and even though I still struggle, lust does not have the final say: Love does. 

I still wonder why lust attacked me, but I think the professor from Rachael’s book might have been right. Today being a Magdala moderator, I can hopefully help others recover from the same struggle I had years ago, and have healthy, life-giving relationships that will change the world. 

If you are reading this and question if anything will work, I invite you to give Magdala a try. I was as skeptical as anyone, and am so glad I was proved wrong. 

The way we will change the world is through our relationships with God and others. Pope St. John Paul II said, “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live”. 

This is a fight for our future. Change the world.