365 Days of Magdala
I’ve found God usually takes His sweet time showing me where I need restoration in my life. This past year has been a period of rapid growth and healing, even with its fair share of heartbreak, physical suffering, and ever-lingering temptations.
In November 2023, I was in my college cafeteria talking to a friend about our individual histories of sexual sin and addiction. I was convinced I had a mission to speak out about how women are not alone in the struggle against pornography and masturbation, but not sure where to start. But thanks to two Pints with Aquinas episodes I discovered later that night, I found Magdala.
What followed was becoming a small group participant in the spring, an intern in the summer, and a moderator in the fall.
Even now, I remember the breakthrough I had when I was just getting into Magdala, and how profoundly grateful I was for a community that somehow knew exactly what I needed.
Going through each stage of Magdala has brought a newness and wholeness into my being, day after day. Never did I think I would say an internship experience could be lifegiving, but sharing in Magdala’s accomplishments as an intern and connecting with the wider community through fundraising literally got me through one of the hardest summers of my life.
In fact, there hasn’t been a moment in the past 365 days that was not affected by the existence of this ministry.
I often tell the women in my group that just showing up is a huge contribution to the other members’ healing journeys. It’s hard to believe as a participant (believe me, I’ve been there), but simply coming back—session after session—lays a foundation of trust and vulnerability with the small group that can blossom into friendship, even sisterhood.
And my perception of female relationships is continually restored when I see my group be so open and honest with each other. Our check-ins go beyond just sharing setbacks or victories; we’re able to share stories about our lives and how we are really doing, from new crushes to break ups, school, friendships, family life, and so much more.
Even with the familiarity, the emphasis on sobriety and recovery is not lost in this because the purpose of Magdala is to find freedom in every aspect of life, including relationships and community. In fact, there have been a number of moments when my small group has been there for me, whether I’ve been sick or grieving or just having a long, stressful day. Their trust in me has shown me I don’t have to be a flawlessly perfect leader to be a good leader.
Some weeks are harder than others, but I see my life changing minute by minute, always going forward despite the ups and downs. I’ve been working hard to dive into my past, understand patterns of addiction, and be merciful when I fall short of what is true, good, and beautiful. I’m constantly praying for eyes that see the whole person as a gift from God, not as a merely sexual object for pleasure. But He’s inviting me into restoration through it all.
He restores with sweet water (Exodus 15:26), making the desert of my soul alive with gardens, where previously there was only scorched land. Not only does He restore me, but His living water flows through me to others—to my friends, family, small group members—by His grace alone.
I cannot be free anywhere else—I cannot go to any other to find my fulfillment.
“How lovely your dwelling, O LORD of hosts! My soul yearns and pines for the courts of the LORD. My heart and flesh cry out for the living God. Better one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere. Better the threshold of the house of my God than a home in the tents of the wicked.” —Psalm 84:2-3, 11
Restoration means going back to the beginning,
to being a daughter before anything else,
to allow God to do the work and not take it all on myself.
There is cooperation, but God just wants to help us do what we were made to do: love and be loved.
The practicalities of cutting myself off from sexual content and living a Heaven-oriented lifestyle are still so important, but they have to be given to Him to restore along the way.
Returning everything to the Creator, even my broken sexuality, and letting Him restore.
As the year comes to an end, I am ready—or at least praying for the desire to be ready—for what God wants for my life.
I will keep walking with Magdala in a role I am so honored to hold.
I will keep allowing God to restore what I cannot.
The process and the results are all His; the healing of my relationships are His.
He loves us infinitely and everyday, He is teaching me to love Himself so I can continue to love others in Magdala, for 365 more days.