Unmerited Grace | Magdala Testimony

Drinking, smoking, and freely doing whatever I wished left me empty. 

All my life, God has showered me with grace, even though I was undeserving. I always wondered, “Why Lord? I am such an imperfect sinner.” Without hesitation, an answer always came back reassuring His love for me. 

St. Faustina’s Diary describes His mercy so beautifully: 

“Although sin is an abyss of wickedness and ingratitude, the price paid for us can never be equaled. Therefore, let every soul trust in the Passion of the Lord and place its hope in His mercy. God will not deny His mercy to anyone. Heaven and earth may change, but God’s mercy will never be exhausted.” 

—Diary of St. Maria Faustina Kowalska, p. 72

Countless firsthand experiences of Our Lord’s grace and mercy have transformed my faith and enabled me to grow into deeper intimacy with Him.  

Worldly Ways  

In today’s society, it is hard to find young adults or teens who practice their faith daily. The allure of the material world is strong. As a 24-year-old, I have personally experienced this. For almost 8 years—as a teenager and young adult—I valued the opinion of the world above God. I was known as the party girl—drinking, smoking, and freely doing whatever I wished. Everyone around me was in the same boat and we enjoyed what we were doing even though there was no fulfillment in it.  

During this period of my life, I still went to church on Sundays but didn’t fully understand my faith. My parents sent me to a lot of retreats when I was growing up. Although I always had supernatural experiences and encounters with Jesus, I was still stuck in the ways of the world. The experiences I had at retreats made me curious about the faith but did not last long. I would soon return to partying and drinking with my friends and forget all my good resolutions. I think many people my age have a similar story.  

It took me about 8 years to realize there was more to life than material pleasures and, by the grace and help of God, I was able to turn away from the ways of the world and seek Him in everything. I found fulfillment in Him because He gives a joy that is everlasting, not fleeting. However, before I was able to fully turn away from worldly pleasures, I tried to keep one foot in the world while attempting to stay on the path the Lord had laid out for me. I discovered it was a balancing act that I couldn’t manage.  

Healing 

Initially, I thought I was doing well in my faith journey and even studied towards a Theology degree; I was trying to make my relationship with God my top priority. However, I hadn’t given up my attachments to alcohol, drugs, and the party lifestyle. Meanwhile, a new relationship with a guy began escalating rapidly and we started being sexually intimate, even though I knew it was something God was asking me to turn away from. Alcohol and drugs dulled me to the fact I was still living in sin and failing miserably at overcoming my temptations. 

But, in His mercy, the Lord gave me a wakeup call. On the second occasion I was sexually intimate with this guy, I was suddenly stabbed with a terrible pain. Although it was Christmas Eve, I went to the ER where they discovered a cyst had ruptured during sexual intimacy. They recommended I see my OB/GYN as soon as possible, but because of the Christmas holiday, I spent several days in pain before I could get an appointment. My doctor did further tests to find out why I was still in so much pain and told me she would call as soon as the results came in.  

On New Year’s Eve, I spent a long time at church going to Mass and praying in front of Our Lord in the tabernacle. I felt so embarrassed and unworthy, and the pain was unremitting; I hurt inside and out. I pulled out my phone to read a passage from the Bible and saw that I had missed a call from my doctor’s office. The nurse told me that when they had tested me for sexually transmitted diseases I had a positive result for gonorrhea. I stood there shocked, not knowing what to say. It still didn’t seem real, but she told me everything would be okay if I just came in for a shot—it would all be gone. Collapsing back into a pew, I cried my heart out to God in regret for my actions, sorrow for the consequences, and relief it could be healed. I thanked Him over and over again and promised I would make amends.  

After I got the shot, I was disappointed there was still so much pain. “When would it finally be gone?” After another day huddled at home in pain, waiting impatiently for an end to this agony, I felt the Holy Spirit encouraging me to pray for healing as I listened to the song “House of Miracles” by Brandon Lake.  

During the part of the song where the healing prayer begins, I felt overcome by the Holy Spirit moving in me. My hands which were raised in the air to praise the Lord slowly started moving over my lower abdomen. As my hands rested there, I prayed for healing over and over again and begged God to give me relief from the pain. 

Just as the prayer ended and the song finished, I felt something physically leave my body. I cannot explain it fully, but I felt that something supernatural was being cleansed from my body. I pressed down on my abdomen where all the pain had been, but not a single ache remained. I was stunned—I had gone from excruciating pain to nothing at all. I half-expected the pain to return, but it didn’t. 

I knew in that moment Jesus had healed me. I had experienced healing in my life before physically and inwardly but this was different. I felt so unworthy to receive His healing because I had brought the ailment upon myself, but I praised and thanked God for showing me such mercy. In that moment, I felt enveloped in God’s merciful love again.

Transformation 

We live in a fallen world and will all fall short of His plan at some point. However, God does not condemn us to stay trapped in our sin. He waits with grace and mercy to pick us back up and guide us back to Him. I have experienced this many other times. When I invite Him to be present in my pain and brokenness, He transforms me, nourishes my faith, and helps me to understand Him more deeply. 

The world has many distractions in which we can find temporary pleasure, but Jesus is the only one who can satisfy us fully, completely, and unendingly. No amount of partying, alcohol, drugs, money, or sex can equal what God can offer us. I have learned through bitter experience that true joy can only be found by fully surrendering and trusting Him in everything. When I examine my intentions through the lens of His love, I find true happiness and bring glory to God by sharing His love.