One Step at a Time
I have an all-or-nothing kind of personality. If I have an idea, I’ll chase it quickly. My house cleaning tends to be an infrequent marathon rather than a daily sprint, and my first boss had a habit of—after assigning me a project or task—emphasizing I don’t have to do this right now. While being able to run “full steam ahead” towards a goal has served certain parts of my life well, it doesn’t serve me when I’m trying to build sustainable habits.
The Franciscan Friars of the Renewal have popularized their saying “poco a poco,” meaning “little by little” or even “step by step.” If I’m being honest, my first reaction to the phrase was frustration—why hold back when chasing something good? But in sitting with the phrase and learning to apply it in my own life, my frustration gave way to relief.
There are few places we encounter our weakness and inability to build healthy habits better than in recovery. The exhaustion of motivating ourselves to turn away from addictive or compulsive sexual behavior over and over holds up a mirror to us. However all-or-nothing some of us may be in other areas of our lives, the rollercoaster of recovery shows us how powerless we really are. The desire to chase after the good can sometimes be just that—a desire. Its application is far more complicated, and we can easily get discouraged when our desires and actions don’t match up.
In Matthew 14, Peter sees the same dissonance between his desire and his actions. When Jesus calls him out to the water to walk toward Him, Scripture says that Peter begins but quickly starts sinking because “he became frightened by the wind” (Mt. 14:30). Peter is the quintessential all-or-nothing personality—we get plenty of glimpses of that in Scripture, including this passage.
What might have happened if Peter had gone step by step, rather than turning his attention to the whole picture?
The same goes for us as we walk towards the Lord in healing. We may want to be exactly where He is, but He wants us to take it slowly—He doesn’t withhold His presence from us. He keeps His loving gaze on us in every small step. When it comes to walking towards the Lord, the pressure to reach our goal as immediately as possible will only cause us to sink. Instead, we can put our all-or-nothing motivation into the one small step in front of us, knowing that He’s blessing it and giving us the grace to take just that step—and to take the next one after.
Here are a couple of ways we can focus on the “poco a poco” attitude that keeps us walking, even in the midst of storms.
Focus on one habit at a time. When it comes to recovery, focus on a positive goal that’s attainable. A lot contributes to a healthy recovery, and placing our full attention on one area of our life can help us build our spiritual, mental, and physical health in the midst of the messiness of healing. Pick one goal and work at it for a month. The next month, set a new goal. Maybe it’s working out at least three times a week. Maybe it’s eating a fruit or vegetable with every meal. Maybe it’s giving up technology after 6 PM every day. Whatever the goal, set it, work at it, and if you fail one day, pick yourself back up and start again. Remember—just one step at a time.
Look for the small graces. The Lord wants you to come to Him, just as He invited Peter onto the water—He’s gazing with love at your every step. When you see a small step in the right direction of recovery, thank the Lord for it. Maybe it’s a day without giving in to the temptation to consume pornography. Maybe it’s a consoling day in prayer. Maybe it’s just a great evening out with friends. Whatever small step you make in the direction of healing your mind, body, or soul—praise Him.
Let go of comparison. Looking at others and their journey is another way we turn our attention away from the Lord and onto the wind and waves. If looking at another person causes you to start sinking, look away. Other people’s stories can be a symbol of hope or encouragement for us, but they can also cause fear if we feel like we’re not where we’re supposed to be. The step in front of you is exactly where Jesus wants you, so be there—let go of comparison.
Over time, focusing all of our energy and motivation on singular, sustainable habits creates a strength and stability we didn’t know was possible. It’s by those simple, small steps that we arrive at our true Home, where discouragement and fear can no longer touch us. As the Friars say, “Poco a poco, vamos a llegar”—“little by little, we’re going to make it.”