“I Have Seen the Lord”: Reflections on Two Years of Magdala

“Often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. I am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. And yet for a long time, looking back, I have been unable to shake off the feeling that I have been led - make of that what you will.”

–Wendell Berry, Jayber Crow

On February 26th, 2021, the opportunity to start Magdala was dropped in my lap. The concept of serving women who were trapped in sexual addiction wasn’t new to me–but it had laid dormant in my heart since I had moved on from leading our university recovery group a couple years prior. I was engaged to be married, working in a diocesan chancery, and it seemed like the concept would remain dormant for the sake of other dreams. But out of nowhere, the concept was awoken and turned into a call, and I was told I had a week to decide. 

I knew what this would mean—it would mean my own story going more public than I ever envisioned—one of the deepest places of sin in my life being laid open and bare for thousands to see, judge, evaluate, criticize, or welcome. It would mean asking friends to do the same as they joined me to start an organization that many believed (and still believe) doesn’t even need to exist. It would mean not just fighting for women’s freedom and healing, but fighting a narrative of what women can and cannot struggle with—a narrative that has been given credence for too long.

 I sat in front of the Lord in the Eucharist the next morning after that invitation, stunned, but I knew what I would say. I would say “yes,” because I knew if I didn’t, I would wonder for the rest of my life what would’ve happened if I had. 

Though the ideas immediately started flowing and I couldn’t stop them, we didn’t start with much—just some blog posts and a website and a small team of women who were battle ready. I recorded a few podcast episodes after hours at work to try my hand at recording something, anything, that might speak to women entrenched in pornography, masturbation, and other compulsions. We didn’t have much, but we had a name: Magdala. A name I had thought of years prior for our small group at my college that didn’t end up being used—a name that claimed a patroness who knew what it meant to go from utterly devoid of life to being the witness of the Resurrection. We needed her if we were going to do this. 

Since that day, just over two years ago, we’ve engaged hundreds of women in our virtual small groups from over 25 countries, and engaged thousands of men and women with our content that finally offers hope, healing, and a voice to women struggling with sexual addiction. We’ve partnered with 10 college campuses this year to help them facilitate groups in person, and several more are excited to begin partnerships with us in the fall. The need was there, and I think I speak for my entire team when I say we haven’t built, we’ve simply responded. I think of the apostles offering just five loaves and two fish, and the Lord feeding thousands–or the widow placing two coins in the collection, giving all she had. Our offering has been so small, but He has multiplied, and multiplied, and multiplied. He has built, we’ve just held our empty hands out in front of Him, day after day, waiting to see what He would do. 

As I sit here on a quiet Sunday night, now a wife and mother, states away from that chapel where I asked the Lord if He really wanted this, my eyes are tearing up because it’s so real now—yes, He did want this. He wanted healing for His women. And I stand in awe that we get to participate with Him in it. I stand in awe of Him, and of the team of women I serve with—all three of them call me deeper into holiness, joy, and receptivity to what God has for us, personally and professionally. They’ve offered their intelligence, zeal, and love to this mission, without any compensation. I stand in awe of every single one of our moderators, who have volunteered to accompany women towards healing and bravely shared their stories in order to do so. I stand in awe of every woman who has stepped forward to receive the healing touch of Christ on a part of her soul that may have seemed impossible to ever reveal. 

I stand in awe of Him, friends. He built something beautiful from a measly offering—and from the gravest of sins. Praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever. 

And perhaps the marvel of marvels is that He has more to build. I’ve left other work to become Magdala’s director full-time, and the other team members have dedicated increasing amounts of time as well. We’re in the midst of actively support raising to reach our first major fundraising  goal, not just to continue to cover our existing expenses, but also to begin paying our staff for the first time, expand our content to video to increase our outreach, and make some of those dreams from our beginning come to fruition—like offering in-person retreats and creating a version of our curriculum to serve young women in high schools and youth ministries. We’ve been blown away by the generosity of others in joining us, and Him, as He shapes Magdala into what it’s meant to be. My “yes” to this was just one of many, and I want yours to join the chorus. 

As we reach this two-year anniversary, I’m inviting you to join our mission in a way that I’ve never been able to do before. I’m asking for support, for raw material for Him to build with. Whether or not sexual sin and addiction is personal to you, I can bet that healing and freedom are. Join me in the “yes,” even if it’s small…He builds with what we have. As long as He keeps asking us, we will keep serving, and we’ll say it till we are blue in the face: yes, women struggle with sexual addiction, and have been silent for too long; yes, there is hope for healing, and yes, Lord, we will serve. With all we have to offer and our hands wide open, we will serve. 

I ask for you to open your hands, too, friend, and prayerfully consider joining us in the work of healing through a financial gift—and I ask you for your prayers. May Christ’s healing be with you, wherever you are. Thank you for receiving our community, and watching in awe with us as He builds.       

At times, it’s been a mess–I’ve gotten buried under business, paperwork, and emails, and all the drudgery of the modern “workaday world,” as Josef Pieper called it. It’s easy to lose an apostolate in the grunt work, for my soul to forget that initial call that didn’t leave until I gave it a chance. But, more forceful than any drudgery, our work is kept alive by the beating heart of what Magdala does. I have seen the hope that a community built on honesty can provide, and the healing that only Jesus can accomplish when we’re vulnerable. I have seen the honor and awe of being surrounded by women who are zealous for their sisters in Christ to live in fullness, and the waves of mercy that wash over us when we finally receive forgiveness. I have seen women weep at the freedom of telling their stories for the first time. I have seen men step up to affirm and pray for and love women they don’t even know through their support of our work. I have seen it—I have seen Him build, beyond our uncertainty and weakness and sin.

And most of all, friends, like our beloved patroness as she witnessed to the Resurrection: I have just seen Him…the true Source of hope, healing, and freedom.

I have seen the Lord.