Healing Through Relationship
Content advisory: the following is a story with carefully articulated details of abuse.
What do abusive relationships and sexual addiction have in common? They’re both elements of our lives we are told to hide, but are battles that cannot be fought alone. Not everyone’s stories with sexual addiction start with an abusive relationship, but unfortunately many do, and this article will explore how it begins, and how it can end.
In college, I started dating for the first time in my life, and boy was it great. He was my best friend, someone I loved being with and was attracted to, and could honestly see being a part of my life. It was 4 months in, however, that he told me that he had been struggling with pornography, and that he had started to think of me while engaging in it. At first, I thought it was no big deal, and that at least he was thinking of me instead of looking at other girls. I assured myself that once we got back from summer break, and we were together, things would change. But this thought that being lusted over is something positive, which society seems to encourage more and more each day, blinded me from what was really going on. Pornography was what led to the end of our relationship, and the start of an abusive one.
Once we came back to school, I instantly saw little differences in his behavior. He was much more controlling over my body, heavily encouraging me to work out with him and even monitoring my workout plan, and started criticizing me on what I wore. He became increasingly jealous of our mutual guy friends, and didn’t like me hanging out with other people while he wasn’t there, even if they were girls. Now you’re probably thinking, “why didn’t you notice these classic red flags of abuse?” And the answer is, I wasn’t looking for them. When you’re in love with someone, especially for the first time, and they start doing things that aren’t expected behavior, you use everything you can to justify it because you love them too much to see their faults. I saw these behaviors, I knew they were weird, and they frustrated me a lot. But they weren’t loud enough to drown out all the promises he’d put in my head of a “happily ever after.”
Another thing that changed was our physical relationship. It progressed far too fast, and it seemed like we couldn't be alone together without falling into sin. He kept telling me that he wanted to change what we're doing, and I set plans in place to do that, but he routinely ignored them. It was like he was telling me what I wanted to hear, only to disregard what I wanted to do, just so he could get what he wanted. This behavior of manipulation is the one constant that continued through the 2 ½ years he held my heart captive. It got worse and worse, and even when we “broke up”, he still found ways to get me alone - he still found ways to use me.
After we “broke up”, I was not only having to hide my depression from months of mistreatment, but also hide the sexual addiction that had been developing during our relationship. No one wants to admit they’re a victim, and in less than a year I had been made one of two different evils. I tried to fight, but between my classes, other activities, and a secret abusive ex on campus, self-pleasure became the only way I could sleep.
It wasn’t until a year later when I joined a group of women dealing with sexual addiction, that I started to fight better. For the first time, I could tell someone what was happening and know that I wouldn’t be looked down upon as used goods, or weaker because of it. That group of women was the start of my survival as a victim of abuse and addiction.
Our world makes it so painfully easy to fall into the snares of sexual addiction. Pornography is made easily available for anyone with internet, and we see low-graded forms of it in our basic entertainment sources. We are born looking and longing for love, and too often we find ourselves being let down by the fallen nature of our humanity. Pornography ruined my relationship, and lust tore my heart apart. But just as I never thought I would find myself in an abusive relationship, or addicted to sex, there was a time not long ago I couldn’t see myself being free of either.
As I write this, I am a year clean from acts of self-pleasure, and from any communication with my abuser.
I still continue to fight each day: thoughts of self-pleasure, flashbacks from my relationship, PTSD from both. But I’ve been blessed to find people who are in a similar battle, and friends I can share my story with and who are willing to fight alongside me.
It was in the relationship with my abuser that I experienced suffering beyond my comprehension. However, it’s also through relationships that I continue to experience healing: positive, healthy, life-affirming relationships with friends and loved ones who seek the bettering of my soul instead of using me for their own self-interest.
Humans are limited on our own - it’s with support, community, and the grace of God that we flourish into the people we were meant to be. Lust is an evil that turns people into objects of use, and I’ve seen it destroy so many relationships, including my own. It’s going to take an intentional fight to rise above the snares of sexual addiction, especially when our society seems to only encourage it. But our hearts weren’t made for lust, they were made for love, and only love can bring us peace. Whether it be in our intimate relationships or our platonic friendships, the efforts we make to fill them with authentic love will be more than rewarded.