What My Same-Sex Attraction Has Taught Me About the Lord

What do the Sacred Heart of Jesus and a rainbow flag have in common? The month of June. 

June is a time for many passionate people to share their passions, and it seems like a perfect time to share mine.

I am a woman that used to date women. I am now a full-time Catholic missionary. Most people don’t see how these can work together. And for most of my life, I didn’t see how either. But if I know anything for certain, I know that what the enemy meant for destruction, the Lord uses for redemption. 

As I’ve grown with the Lord over the years, He has used the parts of my story that once destroyed me to actually show me more of who He is and more of who I was made to be. To speak bluntly, it’s in my “gayness” I experienced more of Jesus. While I can’t share every revelation in one blog post, I can share a few.

God is Gentle

“My yoke is easy and my burden is light” 

—Matthew 11:30

I am quite passionate; I’m pretty much always ready at any moment to give a Ted talk. Because of my fiery personality, I think I have always had a decent understanding of God’s fiery personality. God obviously feels very deeply and passionately about His people, hence the whole dying-on-the-cross thing (a big deal, by the way). 

As I reflect on my experience with same-sex attraction, there is just something so different about women loving me. They wanted to hold me gently, talk to me softly, and handled little things delicately. When I would date women, I saw a side of my heart come out that wanted to do the same. 

As the Lord has revealed more of Himself to me over the years, He has shown me what it is like to take it easy, to breathe in deeply—to take a step back and release the pressure I place on myself back to Him. The gentle love that had moved my heart when I was dating women became perfected when I began to walk with Love Himself.

God is Merciful

“The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love" 

—Exodus 34:6

I feel like the Lord has always gifted me with some supernatural gift of forgiveness when it comes to other people; the concept has always come easy to me. I remember when I was in a long-term relationship with a woman and would have people who disagreed with me. Even though I saw nothing wrong with my relationship at the time, I remember being able to forgive those who disagreed (this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be angry, it just means there was mercy there). 

Later during college, I was in a long season of discovery, diving into what the Church taught on same-sex attraction and wrestling with how this lines up with my experience. I remember feeling for the first time what I had always given other people; mercy. 

Did the Church disagree with what I felt was right? Yes. But did I still experience a deep love better than life itself? Yes. 

I knew what it meant to give mercy, but I don’t know if I had ever received it. And it was in this place of deep longing for connection that the Lord met me with a merciful gaze. We fought daily in prayer for months but He never once got mad at me for disagreeing. It seemed as if He loved me more just for diving in with questions. He has ample supplies of mercy I wouldn’t have been able to experience firsthand unless I let Him into the messy parts of my heart.

God is Faithful

“Even if we are faithless, He remains faithful” 

—2 Timothy 2:13

Shortly after my reversion with the Lord, I began leading in women’s ministry. I quickly became aware of my passion for walking with women and spent the past 5 years in one capacity or another walking with younger women into greater freedom. I remember a random day in prayer, thanking the Lord for this call on my life and asking Him almost jokingly where this had come from. With a smile on His voice, He spoke back the name of one of my ex-girlfriends.

I spent years of my life loving a woman in a romantic relationship, journeying with her, fighting for her, and being her biggest hype woman. Even then, the Lord had placed this call on my life for women’s ministry, it just looked a little different back then. 

My same-sex attraction showed me that I have a deep love for women and that the Lord has called me to serve them. He has purified my love and showed me more of His own in the process. He is faithful to my passions and faithful to His promises.

God is longing to share with you more of His Sacred Heart from within the messy part of your story. What more is He trying to reveal to you in the place that seems so distant?

He is gentle—He won’t force Himself there.

He is merciful—He won’t condemn you there.

He is faithful—He won’t let you down there.

Let Him in. There’s more in your story to uncover. There’s more of Him to be revealed.