Restoration and Relationships | Magdala Testimony

I was a camper at Catholic Youth Summer Camp in Centerburg, Ohio, and I had just confessed that I fell back into masturbation for the last time. That was summer I fully entered into my recovery from sexual addiction. And even though that was five years ago, hardly a day goes by where I don’t have a thought related to my past sins or moments I wonder what would happen if I fell again. However, despite temptation, past wounds, poor decisions, and the whisper of shame that still enters from time to time, I am being restored.

When I look back, the real catalyst for going to confession at camp was a desire for relationship. At the time I wanted to date a boy who had a lot of struggles, and I hadn’t told many people about my addiction to masturbation (along with reading pornographic fiction and fantasy). I had grown enough in my faith to know that porn and masturbation were not healthy and got in the way of my relationships, but my relationship with God was stagnant at best. 

The story of what happened with me and the boy is not really important; What is important is that slowly, surely, and through God’s grace, I no longer ran to porn and masturbation. Sure, there were times when I considered going back, but I wanted to be better for that one boy, and everyone I loved.

The wildest thing about that season of my life is I really didn’t have anyone to talk to about my struggles, besides priests who heard my confession. I wasn’t in a youth group, I didn’t open up to my friends, and while my parents were aware I had looked up explicit stories on the internet, I didn’t give them the whole picture. 

But despite all of this, I was still trying. My deepest desire was to be in a relationship with someone who loved and could hold all of me. 

Even after dating a few more people, I still had so many misconceptions of what a relationship ought to be. I had a lot of the wrong ideas and only some of the right intentions. 

To be frank, processing those relationships is difficult to explain, but the main takeaway I had is that chastity is so much more than a physical virtue. Yes, there are ways to go too far physically and yes, there needs to be a whole lot of communication to prevent that, but what is more profound is the internal disposition I received and how I began to view my significant other as well as everyone around me. Chastity doesn’t just gate-keep sex or other acts revealed in marriage, it restores them. The Catechism puts it so beautifully:

“Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man's belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman. The virtue of chastity therefore involves the integrity of the person and the integrality of the gift” 

—CCC 2337

I don’t have the answers of how to be perfectly chaste, but it’s clear to me that God wants to restore my relationships with Him, others, and myself through its practice. Because when we give ourselves to someone we love, we are imitating God’s Eternal Gift. 

Porn and masturbation ruined the way I saw God, others, and myself, but relationships have been the way God is restoring me. 

I’m not dating anyone right now, but my desire for marriage continues to mature and develop; I want to love and be loved in the context of reality and truth. My familial and platonic relationships are teaching me how intimate relationships are meant to give and receive love. I’m still learning what I need to work on and the places I need to invite God’s grace into, but in focusing on the ways I can be a better daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, and friend, I am learning how to be a selfless wife and mother, God-willing. 

And now, those relationships include Magdala. The healing I have experienced in community with the women of this ministry has come about through prayers, tears, sharing of joys and insecurities, and pursuing a relationship with God first and foremost. 

These are the relationships that keep me going: that keep me on the path of healing, recovery, and restoration. 

My past and current struggles do not define my ability to be in a relationship because God alone restores what is broken. 

I don’t have all the secrets to successful recovery from sexual sin, and I don’t need them. All I need to know is that God wants me to be in relationship with Him and the people He sent into my life. And all I have to do is respond, and let Him restore.

“The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ Jesus will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little.” 

—1 Peter 5:10