Made in His Image: Confronting Body Dissatisfaction

“Wow, so young, why are you starting it all so young…” 

Those were the absent-minded words of my mother when she noticed my developing body. A wave of shame and confusion washed over my ten-year-old self when I heard those words. 

What was starting? Why did it all sound and feel so negative? When would it end??

This was the moment in my life when body dissatisfaction began. As the first girl in my family after three rough and tumbling boys, I had absolutely no clue that puberty would one day hit me. Like my uncanny ability to believe in Santa Claus till I was thirteen, my childlike, tomboyish spirit neglected to notice that at some point childhood ends, and every girl turns into a woman. 

But what does it mean to be a woman? I grappled with this question many times during my most formative teenage years, and sadly pornography was a part of my answer. In the midst of the shame, confusion, and uncertainty that sexual development brought upon me, I turned to the internet for answers about what an ideal woman’s body was. I was fascinated by the aesthetic confidence of those perfect-looking, computer-altered, internet models. They reminded me of the covers of romance novels that I had often seen in my childhood library. Even at six years old, I knew that something about those depictions was illicit, but my curiosity wouldn’t rest until I knew why they were making those faces. And I wish I could say that the experiment ended there, that my sense of conscientiousness and fear overtook my curiosity. But before I even knew what sex was, I found myself watching a pornographic video. 

What I remember the most about this experience was my immediate disgust. A disgust so pervasive that I continue taking it to prayer with me today, asking God to cleanse my memories and help me see the goodness of human sexuality and sex within marriage. And yet, despite my repugnance, I found myself shackled to these images over the course of many years. I was never willingly bound - I always knew that something about them was wrong and unnatural - and yet, I was imprisoned nonetheless. 

And as the confinement carried on, so did the feeling that I was a prisoner in my own body. I felt many of the emotions that most women encounter at some point in life - feeling ugly, physically imperfect in at least twenty ways, chronically overweight, and generally disproportionate - but these expanded to highlight my sexual features specifically. 

I felt the weight of being a woman in the most negative ways possible. I was certain that my body was a liability. When I frequently complained about my weight, my friends were all quick to remind me that “men love curves!” Comments like this only lowered my already dismal view of men and the reasons why they find women attractive. I had long-standing fears about the ability of a man to treat a woman as his equal: to respect and love her rather than just see her as an object of use. Pornography fueled these fears in my life and set them ablaze, like gasoline being poured over a fire. By age twelve, I silently and reflexively vowed I would never place myself in such a vulnerable position as a marriage with a man. 

Then, God’s grace stepped in. Not all at once, but little by little with time. I admitted to a friend that this habit was a part of my life, signed up for screen accountability, and started actually learning about why pornography can be so addictive. Before I knew it, I was a year into my recovery and breathed the fresh air of life without porn. I knew I would never look back. 

Recovery isn’t about what you leave behind, it’s about what you gain with time. 

With time, I gained valuable healing experiences that never would have been possible while under the influence of pornography. 

With time, I gained healthy emotional intimacy in my friendships that forced me to acknowledge what I had been looking for in pornography. 

With time, I stopped sexualizing my own body or thinking that modesty was necessary because “my body was a liability.” 

Now I understand that, because I am made in the image and likeness of God, anything that makes my sexual features explicit to the point of obscuring that divine image is wrong. And it’s not wrong because I’m wrong, but because the way I was made is so right. The way I was made physically, mentally, and spiritually is so important to the period of history that God has committed me to, that anything obscuring that purpose is a restraint. 

Pornography, shame, body dissatisfaction; THOSE are the liabilities, not me. I am “fearfully and wonderfully” made. God knew exactly what I would look like before I was ever born, and He sent me into the world as I am to accomplish the mission that He put into my heart. 

This is what real “body confidence” looks like. The kind of confidence that encompasses and surpasses the physical. That acknowledges the imperfections of the physical body and still declares it good. That understands every human being is endowed with the physical body, mental gifts, and spiritual blessings that they need to reach their heavenly home and help others on their way. 

So to all the others I’m traveling with who may be reading this right now, I beg of you… 

• Stop allowing the influence of body shame and dissatisfaction in your life. Claim your identity as a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made in His image and likeness. 

• Don’t make disparaging comments about your body and others’ bodies. Stop them in your mind before they reach your lips, out of charity for yourself and other women you love. 

• Understand that body dissatisfaction can be both valid and invalid. We all have real health problems that need to be addressed, and “body positivity” can’t fix those. But at the same time, we live in a world that is filled to the brim with pornographic media and unhealthy expectations for women as a result. Denial is not an option here; acceptance and commitment are the only ways to freedom. 

• Believe that your sexual sin is impacting your body image in some way. And more importantly, believe that you are capable of fighting for freedom and authentic love because you are worth it. 

• Know that the One who took His body to the cross is there to love you when you can no longer love yourself. Never place the harsh expectation on yourself that you will somehow be able to “love yourself” to complete fulfillment. This is a popular lie in our culture right now that puts us in the place of God. There is one Savior, and we are not it (thank God). 

And ladies, if you related to any small part of my story, I invite you to pray this prayer with me - a prayer that came from my heart as the Lord healed my negative body image over time: 

Lord Jesus be my legs, that I would go only where You would have me go. 

Be my hands and arms, that I do only what You would have me do. 

Be my heart, that I would love as You love. 

Be on my lips, that I would speak only what You would have me speak. 

Be my ears, that I would hear as You hear.

Be my eyes, that I would possess the gift of seeing others as You do. 

God, help me to know and understand the truth as You do. 

Thank You for the gift of my beautiful body. Help me always to do good things. 

Amen.