Lust or Desire?
One of the most difficult parts of recovery–and sometimes, one that never happens–is beginning to distinguish between lust and true desire; simply put, between disordered and ordered desire. Lust is inherently disordered–there are a few people that will claim that lust, especially within marriage, is “healthy.” The Church will always disagree by defining lust as the following: “lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure” (CCC 2351). Lust, then, can never be “healthy,” even in a relationship where sexual attraction and desire has a necessary, and even holy, role to play.
When in active recovery, and even when there’s a few year’s distance between you and your last fall into sexual sin, it’s easy to define sexual attraction or desire as “wrong” or “sinful” when it arises. Not only is this harmful to your sexuality and the possibility of relationships, it’s simply not true. Lust is inherently disordered, but sexual desire is not. As the Catechism says, lust is “disordered” desire or an “inordinate enjoyment.” Lust couldn’t be disordered or inordinate if desire itself wasn’t natural and ordered–you can’t twist or manipulate something that isn’t good to begin with.
One way to distinguish between lust and natural sexual desire is when it arises. Is it coming randomly, without much prompting, and does it feel overwhelming and distracting? In that case, the desire may be getting off track. Does it come from emotional connection, sharing joy or suffering, or growth in knowledge and friendship with someone? If so, experiencing sexual desire can be a natural fruit of that connection. In addition, what is the attraction focusing on? Is it a part of the body, even just solely physical appearance? Or does it focus on the whole person, including their physical attractiveness? Lust tends to get laser-focused on the exterior, while sexual desire includes attraction to the exterior as part of desiring the whole person. More than anything, how we can distinguish between lust and authentic sexual attraction or desire is by the actions we take after experiencing attraction. Do our thoughts immediately go to our own pleasure and satisfaction, or can they be directed to the good of the beloved? Lust is inherently self-centered and selfish, while sexual desire can be directed towards a deepening of authentic love. Lust arrives in the heart and mind with a certain edge, an almost “crazed” feeling–while sexual desire, particularly for someone you deeply love, comes with a certain tenderness and at times, even an ache. That tenderness and ache can be easily directed towards God; in a way, it takes the soul upward–while lust drags it down.
Particularly in the case of serious dating relationships, engagement, or marriage, sexual desire should be increasing between a couple. It’s a sign of a deepening of knowledge of each other–and that knowledge desires union. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring to be physically united to someone you love, but it does get sinful–whether married or not–when lust arises and tries to direct you to use the person you love, or your unity with them, for your own pleasure.
Too many people, especially women, become afraid of sexual attraction and desire if they’ve struggled with sexual sin. Distinguishing between the movements of your mind, heart, and body that are natural and good and those that are a result of sinfulness is not only helpful to your relationships, but to your own healing in the long run. A healthy sexuality is one that embraces order, not excess or suppression–and in the end, it’s that order that’s our best protection against lust, not suppression or fear.
Don’t be afraid to examine the attractions you’re currently experiencing, or will experience in the future. If it’s arising from lust, quickly cut off the moment with a Hail Mary or a prayer for the person you’re attracted to. Gratitude for the good qualities of that person, including their physical appearance, can also be expressed to God and turn selfishness on its head. If you’re experiencing good sexual desire, also turn to gratitude! God gave us a gift, especially in marriage, to desire union with one another. Thank Him for that gift, and ask for His purification and protection. Nobody wants our desire to be ordered more than He does—because when it is truly ordered, it leads us right back to Him.