Let It Be Enough

To be perfectly honest, I’ve always been an overachiever. 

In kindergarten, in college, in my short-lived middle school rock band… I have always held myself to unreachable standards—I’d do anything to achieve what I deemed “good enough.” Joining clubs, speaking at retreats, running half-marathons. All things that were “good” in principle, but things I only pushed myself to do because I was afraid I wouldn’t have worth if I didn’t do them. Well, we can all see how this led me down a path to sexual sin, shame, and self-hatred.

When I began my recovery journey and finally stopped habitually sinning—even though I had healed in many ways—once again, nothing was enough. 

Sure, I had been addicted to pornography and masturbation for five years, but I was better! After years of feeling like a hypocrite and struggling with self-worth, I finally had the title of “recovery.” I finally had something I felt I could be genuinely proud of…

So why wasn’t it enough?

I think as Christian women healing from addiction, our tendency can be to over compensate. We don’t let the fact we no longer fall into habitual sexual sin excuse us. Instead we decide, “now that I’m free, I have to do even more to be ‘good.’” 

So we join three bible studies, force ourselves into extra holy hours, let our confessions turn borderline scrupulous, and tell ourselves we can do even better afterwards. We don’t want to just “get back on the horse.” We decide—in order to be loved in our recovery—we need to fly. 

And so—no matter how many times I was told I was forgiven—I couldn’t let it be enough. 

I mean, how could it be? After years of feeling like sin dominated my life; after feeling like a constant disappointment to myself and God, I couldn’t accept His forgiveness. I would think to myself,

“Sure God, I know all You're asking me to do is to sit and love You, but I should probably do more, right? I’m grateful for Your mercy, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Maybe that’s fine for all Your other children. But I’m different. I know better. How could one little confession be enough? Why would You forgive me if I can’t even forgive myself?”

If you have ever felt like this, I want you to know that you are seen, known, loved, and that I’m praying for you. 

There are days—even three years into recovery—where I still feel like this. And I want to let you know there are probably going to be days where you will feel unable to forgive yourself. Where the weight of sin will feel too vast for even God to heal. Where you will say “Lord, why aren’t You mad at me? You should be mad.” But God doesn’t think as we do. He says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways” (Isaiah 55:8). No matter how beautiful and perfect you think your sky-high standards are, God's love is infinitely more perfect and more merciful. 

So… let it be enough. 

Let God's mercy, His word, His promise of perfect forgiveness be enough. If you can’t trust yourself, trust in Him. Trust that He is perfect and so completely in love with you that He will not let your own self-hatred get in the way of His grace. It's not going to feel like enough. In fact, most days it feels like a drop in the bucket. 

But it is. It is enough.

So next time you make a good confession and leave feeling like it’s still not enough, pause, take a breath, and  say “Lord, I may not feel I am forgiven, but I trust Your word is enough” 

Before you accept an invitation to your 5th concurrent book study so you can really “make it stick this time,” ask yourself, “Is this an invitation from the Lord? Or just another accusation that my sin is still too big?” 

On these days you feel too sinful to even take a step in the right direction, lift your eyes to God and trust that in His eyes, you are enough. Because the Holy Spirit lives inside you, and neither your sin nor you nor any power on earth is powerful enough to stop Him.